rest
by UppityPeach
Summary: post ME3. lots of feels. hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

rest

Shenko drabble. Feels. Spoilers. Etc.

Wake up.

Goddamn it, Shepard, wake up.

I sit by your hospital bed. I can't find the energy to speak, let alone move. My hand has been in yours since God-knows-when. I force my tired body forward and hunch my shoulders. The aches of the scars and the sleepless nights are starting to catch up with me. My jaw tightens, my teeth grind, I bite my chapped lip and I taste blood soon after. The sudden taste of iron and bitterness overwhelms me. "God_damn_," I growl, my breathing getting heavier.

You just look like you're sleeping. You haven't woken up yet, but they keep saying you will. I don't know if I believe them anymore. It's not fair that I made it out with a couple wounds and some stitches, and you're halfway to chewing your tongue for the rest of your life. The only nose in the room comes from those damned machines. Beeping, cold and cruel and out of tune at all hours. Why can't they wake you up? Why can't I wake you up?

Why can't I take your place.

I look up at you. I want to cry, but I don't. I'm past tears. I'm just… done. You promised you'd come out alive. I knew it was a front, but I needed it to be true. I clung to those words while I fought through those Reapers, Shepard, I did. You nearly died. To be honest, you should be dead. By some miracle, some act of God, you've still got a fighting chance. I think you always fought for your own chances.

"Shepard," I try to say, attempting regulation in my ragged breathing. No such luck. I can't see straight.

I force myself to let go of your hand. I can't hang on while I'm getting this worked up. I feel a forceful shiver of biotics run over my bones. I thought I'd been doing better at controlling my anger. I guess not.

"Fuck, Shepard, just wake up!" I cry through my gritted teeth. Nothing. Damn it. I knock the stack of papers from your bedside table onto the floor. I kick the wall. "Damn it!" I yell out. Next thing I know, there's a dent the size of my fist in the bathroom door. A noise rips from my gut that I didn't know I could make. I look down at my hands, trying not to go cross-eyed. Blue energy ripples out from my fingers. Another wave of anger flies through my muscles. I throw a couple mugs and plates onto the floor, and they shatter. You still don't stir.

I'm about to wind up and blow a hole straight through the wall, when a rough pair of hands grab my wrists and push me into the door.

"Damn it, Alenko, pull yourself together," Garrus's growl rings clear through my rage.

"Let go of me, Garrus," I try to shove him off, but he's got a grip on me. I let my muscles go slack and my face presses against the wall.

"I know you're upset, Kaidan, we all are. But blowing a hole through a hospital that doesn't have enough money or resources as it is is not going to solve a damn thing," he reasons with me, keeping his hold on my arms. The last of any biotic energy I mustered drains from my fists and I give up. Bitter tears come from my eyes, burning in streams down to my chin. I hate him in that moment, but I know that it's for the better if I listen to him.

"When's the last time you slept? Showered? Changed?" he asks, turning me around. I can't look at him. I can't even remember when I'd done any of those things. "Kaidan, for your sake, for our sake, for _her _sake, I'm begging you. Please, take some time for yourself."

He lets go of my arms and I move to the hallway without a word. I turn around and look at the chaos I'd just created. Guilt flushes out whatever anger I had left in me. An apology dances on my tongue but I can't open my mouth.

"I'll stay here, alright? I'll take care of her. Go get some sleep," he says, and all I can do is nod. I look across the room. You're still there. Still sleeping. Was this what you felt like when I was at Huerta?

I just need to see your eyes again. Hear your voice.

Damn it, Shepard. Just wake up.


	2. Chapter 2

You stir the slightest bit and I hear it. I sit up from the window bench as fast as I can, pressing a hand to my forehead to stop the head rush that blurs my vision. I heard you move. I heard it, I swear. I'm not crazy. It had to be real, it had to be. There is no other option.

It's been days. Maybe a week. Maybe longer. It feels like eternity. I rise to my feet, even though my legs ache and my whole abdomen feels like it's about to tear in half. I'm supposed to be taking it easy, resting in bed and sleeping extra hours to heal. What's the use in trying to sleep somewhere you're not? I tried, that night when I flipped and Garrus sent me home. I couldn't sleep not knowing if you were okay. I know Garrus takes care of you, but I didn't sleep a wink. So I've been spending my nights on the padded window seat of your hospital room. Not doing myself any favors, but this isn't about me anymore.

I walk across the dark room, the only light guiding me is the glow of your vitals display and the whitish florescent halo that comes in from the gap in the door to the hall. The contour of your brow, nose, and lips is highlighted in the dim light. You've never looked so beautiful to me. I reach out and brush stray hairs from your forehead. The scars are blackened and rough now, but you're better because of them. Are you awake? Can you feel my hands? I want to ask, but I can't find words. I swear your eyes are moving under your lids, but it's too dark to be sure.

I look at the monitor to my left. The usual slow toll of beeps has gained a little speed. It sounds stronger. It sounds less like a murmur and more like a heartbeat, a thrumming promise for a second chance. I bend down and take your limp hands into my own. You're not as cold as you usually are.

"Come on, wake up," I whisper. My lips move over the bridge of your nose and onto your forehead. "I know you're in there somewhere. Be strong." I kiss the top of your head. Your fingers make a weak grab at my left hand. I nearly jump out of my skin. My heart hammers in my ribcage, I can't breathe. "Shepard?" I ask, not knowing what kind of answer I'm going to get.

And then, finally, your eyes open. Brilliant blue as always, unaffected by the destruction that tore the rest of you apart. Tears rush to my eyes before I have a chance to be embarrassed by them. "Hey, K-Kaid," you wheeze a little bit. I laugh through my tears.

"Hey," I breathe. I can't focus. Tears drip from my face onto yours. The monitor next to me starts calling out alarms, but I'm not letting you go. They'll have to tear me apart before I let go of you. "We made it."

"Yeah… I guess we did," your eyes start to close again. I panic.

"No, no, no," I say, cradling your face in my hand. Your eyes open wide again and I smile. I tilt your chin up and kiss your lips softly. Gently. I have never felt so relieved, maybe not since I woke up and they told me you weren't dead. "Stay with me. God, Shepard." I kiss you again. You cringe as the pain starts to creep up on you. Your hand breaks from mine as you clutch your side. "Shh, baby, what do you need? What do you need?" I can see you searching for words but coming up empty. You're so weak. A lose a few more tears as your doctor comes running through the door, flooding the room with harsh white light. I don't even glance at him. I shut my eyes and press my forehead to yours.

He tries his best to work around me, but as soon as more alarms go off, he asks me to move. "I'm not leaving," I say firmly, but I give him space to take care of you.

"I wouldn't expect anything less, Major Alenko," he murmurs while he works. He greets you softly and I hear you mumbling broken syllables of my name. I laugh a little bit, even though I'm feeling about 28 things at once. You're shifting in the bed and my stomach sinks. I've never been so relieved, but I realize now that just because you're awake, doesn't mean that you're all better now. He administers painkillers and I see you sink back down into the mattress instantly. Your clenched fist relaxes and falls from the wound on your abdomen. I approach the bed as the doctor leaves, muttering something about getting the nurses for vitals and exam and all that business. I don't care. They can't take you from me now.

"I love you," you mumble, clearly dizzied from the meds he just gave you. I laugh. You have never been one to say the L-word first.

"I love you too, baby," I whisper, crouching to be eye-level with you. A smile plays with the corner of your lips. "I'm so proud of you."

I steal your smile with a kiss. I've never been more relieved to see those blue eyes.


End file.
